To be continued
Welcome back, I am severely depressed and so the cycle repeats itself. I’ve been trying to come up with the words to match what has been going through my head, but I’ve been coming up short. Most of you are probably wondering how that could be when I have everything I could possibly need, and the ones that had no idea, well let’s just say I’m a brilliant liar. I just got a new home; what I’ve been desperately hoping for…how could I be so sad? Well, as I’m sitting here buddled up in the floor, looking around at this vast interior, I can’t help but feel empty. Everything is exactly how I wanted it to be, yet I have this hollowness in place of gratification. I should be thrilled, thriving actually, but no. With all this extra room now, it’s filled with a constant reminder of how alone I am. Loneliness eats me alive, deep down I think to myself that I need someone to fill that vacancy, but when it comes down to it being alone is what I plead for.
Days go and they go, and they go, and they never slow down. Every simple task has started to feel too heavy. Depression has this way of reminding me of that one article of clothing that you can never seem to part with. It hangs there in the back of your closet, hoping to be picked up and put back on again. No matter how many times you talk yourself into saying you don’t need it anymore, that it’s out of style, you somehow find a way to dress it up to make it a new trend. I have these waves of severe depression all of the time. They hit the hardest when I’m out of energy, and with moving and stressing over finding a place in a short amount of time, let’s just say I’m exhausted. I’ve lost my appetite; I have no interest in unraveling myself from this comfort blanket to do anything worthwhile. My couch is my safe place, it’s where I create the mask I soon will have to wear when I’m in public. I just have to make it through my 8-hour work shift each day, and then I’ll be right back to the place where I feel like I most belong.
When depression hits, it hits hard. I’ve been trying to overcome it on my own for these past couple of days, I know I should reach out to someone for help (and yes, I highly recommend everyone to reach out and talk to someone you’re comfortable with) but me personally, I feel so much guilt when it comes to asking for support. That’s where this blog comes into play, it’s my own venting space, it allows me to get everything out in the open. I have been cramming so many thoughts and hatred into my head, that it’s starting to escalate. So here I am, letting it all go.
I have been struggling with independency. Life makes you grow up too fast, and I wasn’t prepared for any of it. There’s so much work when it comes to being human. I’m still trying to learn to enjoy the pleasures of being alive. I feel like this world has so much to offer, yet here I am doing the bare minimum of making it through another day. I don’t think I know how to take advantage of being on this earth. I stay confined to what is necessary instead of expanding and finding new places to grow. I’m at a standstill. I can either continue down the path of what feels familiar, or I can stop being afraid of what will happen if I change my outlook on life. I want to reach never ending freedom. Free from feeling judged for being who I want to be. I’m tired of hiding my true identity. I want to accept me, fully. So, with that, this is me coming out. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone I’m not. I feel as if I have to live up to everyone’s expectations of me, but that’s just not going to work anymore. Truth is, I could care less. Self-love is more important than acting a certain way just to please those around you.
