And for my next trick, a reappearance
I’ve disappeared again. Say February? Has it been that long? Hmmm…it’s absurd how time slips away so easily when you’re wrapped up with the hustle of what this silly life has to offer. We humans really do lose ourselves in the mundane routines we become accustomed to. Me, personally, my personality involves pouring myself into my work and the lives surrounding me, that I lose a part of myself along the way. I couldn’t tell you when the last time was that I shut off the outside world and simply turned that focus towards myself. But today is a different day. We are not having that anymore…or so she says. Self-care will become me, and I will become it. My number one priority remains me, at least I hope so. So, lets dive headfirst into what it all means according to my definition at least…shall we?
Self-care can be in all kinds of different ways, but I believe the main form of self-care is realizing how you were coping and taking care of yourself in the past was unhealthy. It’s realizing you aren’t going to get anywhere when you’re welcoming harmful strategies. Self-care is retraining your brain and dumping out negative coping methods. It’s disposing affliction and giving permission to move in an affirmative direction. It’s experiencing waves of depression and not allowing it to consume, instead it lingers just long enough to be noticed, but not inflicted. The moment I decided to change my environment, the influences around me, and what I gave my time too, it ended up being a step in the right direction. If we always stay confined to our familiarity, easiness will lead to bitterness because we won’t be challenging ourselves to expand beyond our horizons. Easier said than done, am I right?
Challenging myself has been…well, challenging, nevertheless. How do we even begin to broaden our comfort zone and step out into the vast unknown? It's crucial to be closely connected with your identity, to understand yourself thoroughly, from the inside out — possessing an immense amount of confidence. Otherwise, this world will consume you, utilize what it can extract from you, and cast you immediately aside. What if you don’t know your identity though? What if it’s always fluctuating? Well, my dear, join the mother freaking club. I have been chasing after my true identity for what seems like an eternity. I like to blame that on trauma though. Trauma will claim your entire being and it will never let go, until you’re brave enough to follow that part of yourself into the unfamiliarity and come out on the other side of that discomforting precariousness.
For my next half, we will be transitioning to borderline personality disorder. Only because it’s comprised of a complex understanding and I think if I put my own spin on the definition through my personal diagnosis, then I just might start to truly understand its entirety. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a while ago, but I never took it as seriously as it took me. I am never satisfied with this so-called individuality; it's constantly changing, and who I was yesterday becomes outdated. Each day, I strive to evolve into someone entirely new to stay sharp, seeking a way to create something to anticipate, as I quickly grow bored with upholding the original persona I’ve derived from. After reflecting on why I've had several failed relations, I recognized BPD as the factor to blame. I often find myself becoming too involved and going to extremes, regularly seeking validation due to fear that I'm not deserving of those connections in the first place. The only way to make this situation even remotely manageable is by staying in my own secluded little world. Remaining isolated offers a sense of safety I've never experienced before.
I understand you might be thinking, "Kelsey, you can't remain shut off from people indefinitely." However, as I delve deeper into understanding BPD, I've found that being selective about whom I allow in is the best strategy for the time being. I believe it will create a simpler path for those around me and spare me the difficulty of revealing too much of myself for others to observe. Throughout this process, emotions remain intensified as I continue to push them beyond the brain's defensive mechanisms and into the realm where comprehension aligns with sincerity. But anyways, enough about me.
How are you? No…how are you really doing?
:)
