Familiarity
Every day that passes, feels like a lifetime.
A lifetime where I’m stuck wondering why my words aren’t good enough to be written down. Ten days have passed which feels like ten years. The longer I allow myself to go without expressing how I’m feeling, the more I lose hope in comprehending the emotions I experience. I hear it all the time; “it’s okay to take a break,” “it’s okay to allow yourself some time to decompress,” but it’s hard to hear those comments over the sound of me shattering my own heart. I’m letting myself down. I put too many expectations into this blog. Like right now, as I’m writing this, I can’t help but feel so much frustration. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I can’t help but allow disappointment to consume me, I should be putting more effort into this. I just don’t know what you want to hear. It always just feels so repetitive to me. I tell you things get better; I try to be “inspirational” and then I end up being a hypocrite. Because trust me, no matter how many possessions you own or how great your job is, or friends are, if your mental state isn’t in an ideal place, then the things you have will never bring you true happiness. You’ll never be satisfied. You’ll want more and more, trying to fill that void of loneliness and despair, but nothing will ever be suitable.
My depressed brain can’t quite grasp the idea that everything is getting better. I’m sure everyone else is like this as well. There’s always a part of you that finds a way to talk yourself into thinking that life is horrible. You could have everything, yet it’ll feel like you have nothing. I look around now and I should be feeling gratitude with what I have around me, but those feelings are replaced with repulsion. I promised myself I would stay positive, and look on the brighter side, but I don’t know. I think you deserve to see every side, even the ugly. I’ve been feeling secluded lately, I want to erase my existence, I want to destroy what I’ve worked so hard to achieve. Yet, I fight. I fight for a future where I feel content, and genuine. I fight for a future where I’m finally doing what I love. I want to feel peace every single day, I want to quit running from myself. I feel as if I’m always in a constant battle of trying to defeat the older version of me. Yet, I also want to be wrapped in that warm, familiar hug. It’s always so tempting and inviting. I find myself constantly torn. I’m always able to trick my mind into thinking that no one will be around to see the truth, I can hide things so well. All you have to do is give them what they want to hear.
I think I’ve said something previously where people believe what they want to hear, and I find that statement true. No one ever pushes you to speak what’s actually on your mind. They accept whatever you give them. It’s excruciating, sitting there with a fake smile plastered to your face, the whole time you say everything’s okay when on the inside, your entire body is screaming something utterly different. It’s like we forget what the word patience means. We’re so wrapped up in worldly things, we end up being oblivious to what’s happening right in front of us. If we showed more patience, and compassion, then maybe those who were suffering in silence would feel more comfortable to open up.
I also don’t think we as individuals get told that what we’re doing is enough. We try so hard to earn people’s approval, that we lose ourselves in the process. Here we are trying to satisfy other’s needs, making sure every single necessity is attended to, when the entire time we’re not receiving equal treatment. It can really make a difference when someone is there to acknowledge all the effort you’re putting forth, but somehow, someone always happens to be around to point out the wrong instead.
It starts to become exhausting trying to impress society. I think it’s time to start focusing on who you’re becoming, and not worrying about those around you. Even if that means you need to disappear for a while or deactivate your social media. Just take a break. Do what you need to do in order to become the best version of yourself.
