Give yourself love
I’m sitting here on my couch, drinking my favorite smoothie from Elderberry’s (girl scout thin mint if you were wondering), while reading through all of the supportive messages I’ve received since sharing my story. I can’t help but feel so much gratitude towards each and every one of you. You’ve made me feel so worthy of love and I’m overwhelmed with pure bliss and joy that I’m alive, healthy and able to share my story with you.
I used to take everything for granted, I used to think I didn’t have anyone I could rely on or talk to; I would face everything alone because I was too afraid to speak up and ask for help. I thought I was a nuisance and asking for too much, when I was simply just needing someone to listen. My mentality was trained to suffer in silence, I did that my whole life because that’s what I was used to. It goes all the way back to when I was a child. I would lock myself in my room and hide from parental arguments and destructive situations. I was left to my own imagination to make what was going on around me seem less severe. I would pretend to be different characters from my favorite tv shows or movies, I would get caught up in their world all inside my head because life seemed better when I was pretending. That’s how I learned to cope when I was a child. I wanted an escape from reality because there was so much going on in my household and all around me.
If I was given the chance to sit down with my 5 year old self, with all the knowledge I have now, I would tell her so many beautiful things about what we’ve become. I would tell her that the world can be so cruel, and life is going to take many drastic turns, but to hang in there because we made it through each difficult experience, and it has made us into the strong, independent woman that we are today. I would’ve tried to save her from the heartbreak, and I would’ve told her to slow down and enjoy being a kid, life doesn’t slow down for anyone, and that you really need to just take it all in. I would’ve told her to give herself extra love and to try to be brave, everyone has a purpose and Her’s was coming.
Forgiveness is very important to me. I have forgiven my parents for their mistakes that they’ve made when I was growing up. Yes, they were not around much, they weren’t perfect, but looking back now I realized they were dealing with their own demons. I have a different understanding compared to when I was a child, we all have our own issues to deal with, but back then I didn’t understand at all. I was constantly questioning why they would leave; I thought I wasn’t a good enough kid and that they didn’t want to be around me. I would stay in my room and try not to make a sound; I didn’t want to add to what was already going on.
I think this is where my BPD came along. To this day, I still question my identity. I still don’t know who I am or what makes up my personality. I tend to let the world influence who I become, I change my looks and style to match what I’m currently watching or reading at the time. I know that might not make sense, it didn’t make sense to me either. I think the best way to explain what I mean is by saying my brain wants to copy a character that I become overly obsessed with in the moment. It becomes frustrating because I will spend money on clothes to match that person, just to wear them for a week and to never wear them again, because the feelings fade and I have someone new to relate to. I’m still learning when it comes to BPD, it’s a very complicated disorder to comprehend.
We are all learning, and we are all making it through each day even when it feels impossible. If you struggled with today, just know I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of you for getting out of bed, and for getting yourself ready to face another day of work or school, I’m proud of you for putting your brave face on. I know the days can start feeling repetitive and you want to give up, I have been in that moment, and I know how hard it is to talk yourself out of a burnout. As soon as you come home, immediately do what you love the most. Whether that’s watching your favorite movie, eating your favorite snack, playing your favorite song out loud and dancing, partaking in your favorite hobby, etc. Just do what you love. Take a moment to breathe, deeply, count it out loud, and recall everything you’re grateful for.
You got this. You’re loved, you are strong and you are worthy of life.
